HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
