remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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