I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
