You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
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