Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Ladies don't puke and tell
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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