he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
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When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
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I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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