All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
