if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
You smell like a Billy Joel song
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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