Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
