I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
