Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Randomize
