This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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