Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
