I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
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I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
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I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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