Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
