capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
