I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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