A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Randomize
