MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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