great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Randomize
