and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
