Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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