Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
