dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
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