i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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