You made me cry and you don't even care
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
