she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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