Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Randomize
