Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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