Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
