words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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