Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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