Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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