Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
