I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize