i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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