The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
