So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just cut my nipple shaving
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
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