I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Randomize
