ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
