I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
