I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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