my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
My breath smells like gin and sadness
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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