you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
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