the condom got lost in my hair
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
