Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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