you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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