So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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