He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
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