He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
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She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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