someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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