Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
