it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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