Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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