ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
